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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 4:54 pm 
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Another one that should offend almost anyone...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN?!!

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2009 5:40 pm 
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A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.

When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

He walks into the International Paper Company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree, “See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

The redneck promptly answers, “That thar’s a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ’er.”

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, “And what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, “White oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is
smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands
him a piece of chalk and tells him, “see that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!”

The foreman thinks to himself, “idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. That thar’s the front,” the redneck says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, “How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, “Cuz somebody took a dump behind it!”

He got the job.

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 11:26 pm 
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Things you learn when you live with kids

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft . house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR’s do not eject sandwiches.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. Raw eggs and semi-digested cheese stick to walls and ceilings very well.

25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 2:56 am 
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Happened to an undisclosed close friend.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 4:45 am 
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The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 11:14 pm 
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Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall… back in 1850?

Quote:
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.


So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:21 am 
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If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 wouldweigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:52 am 
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:25 pm 
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Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ’Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:56 pm 
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Scenario:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss , and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30’s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50’s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms.’

In your 60’s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70’s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don’t even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80’s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what in the world it is you are looking for. Fart so loud that you think you heard someone call out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:35 am 
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Labbie wrote:
Two reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records


On the other hand it's usually easy to ID the body...all one has to do is read the belt buckle.

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because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:02 pm 
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Lost Puppy:

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.

Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.

This morning, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. She then noticed the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:22 pm 
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:06 pm 
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 2:28 am 
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Last month, a man placed a 911 call to his local police station and calmly reported to the police operator, "My wife, Gertrude, is missing."

The switchboard officer asked, "Sir, how long has your wife been gone?"

The husband replied, "I think about one month."

Why did you wait so long to report it?" asked the policeman.

The husband replied, "Well . . . Until yesterday, I thought it was just a dream."

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:04 pm 
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Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:24 am 
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A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 5:34 pm 
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Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 5:38 pm 
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,'Sure,why not?'


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not?

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog!!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:50 am 
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How to tell what sex a fly is

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:13 am 
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and I finally have something for here... again....

From my friend hicup

Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:18 am 
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One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island
for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him,

"Tell me how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,
"Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over again, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,

"'Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks,

"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs:

"Oh, sweet Jesus!

Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there
too?"

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:31 pm 
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A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb ***, get in.'

Never mess with an old man!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:36 pm 
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BRAVO !!!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:16 pm 
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A father and son went hunting for the first time.
The father said:
"Stay here and be
very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard
a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?"
the father asked.
"I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
" Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked................!"

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:17 pm 
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed;
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead."
replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?"
she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador
Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said;
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!"
she cried;
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged;
"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with
the Lab Report
and the
Cat Scan,
it's now $150.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:19 pm 
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first..

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 3:40 am 
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Instructions for cleaning a toilet :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:49 am 
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Knightmare wrote:
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.



At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.


Man- that sosunds like a serious problem- btw don't forget to run maintenance on that computer. It's probably in need of a defrag, disk clean up, and updates on the virus and malware programs.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 5:43 am 
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The Farting Husband

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BYAND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAYMORNING

AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS , NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS , AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.


SOME TIME LATER
SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER,
HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:48 am 
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Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays."

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter let's him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too.

"So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?"

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

"What do those have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.

"They're Carol's"

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:22 pm 
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An oldie but definately a goodie! Image


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:07 am 
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These are so utterly awful...they are funny.


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:03 am 
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All I can say is,

L
O
L


thump.

As I hit the floor over how bad those were...

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 2:18 pm 
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