Strict Standards: date(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected 'America/New_York' for 'EDT/-4.0/DST' instead in /homepages/15/d238775290/htdocs/archive.calmchaosonline.com/site/viewtopic.php on line 995

Strict Standards: getdate(): It is not safe to rely on the system's timezone settings. You are *required* to use the date.timezone setting or the date_default_timezone_set() function. In case you used any of those methods and you are still getting this warning, you most likely misspelled the timezone identifier. We selected 'America/New_York' for 'EDT/-4.0/DST' instead in /homepages/15/d238775290/htdocs/archive.calmchaosonline.com/site/viewtopic.php on line 995

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /homepages/15/d238775290/htdocs/archive.calmchaosonline.com/site/includes/arcade/functions_arcade.php on line 642

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /homepages/15/d238775290/htdocs/archive.calmchaosonline.com/site/includes/arcade/functions_arcade.php on line 642

Strict Standards: Only variables should be passed by reference in /homepages/15/d238775290/htdocs/archive.calmchaosonline.com/site/includes/arcade/functions_arcade.php on line 642
[phpBB Debug] PHP Notice: in file /includes/functions.php on line 4319: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /viewtopic.php:995)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Notice: in file /includes/functions.php on line 4321: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /viewtopic.php:995)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Notice: in file /includes/functions.php on line 4322: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /viewtopic.php:995)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Notice: in file /includes/functions.php on line 4323: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /viewtopic.php:995)
Calm Chaos • View topic - Clean Humor
Login 

All times are UTC




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 638 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 19  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:34 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
In the beginning...

A little girl asked her mother : How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side...

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 2:56 am 
Offline
Chaotic Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 2559
Location: Australia / Earth Orbit
Medals: 4
CC Team Member (1)

Moderator (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
Ha ha ha ha!

Good one...

_________________
This signature comment has been censored by the ACMA as being politically inconvenient.

No Australian Government Internet Filter

Image

Image Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:05 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
LMAO...and I thought this might be lame...good one Snow

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:38 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Certifiable Lobbyist
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 6:24 am
Posts: 793
Location: Australia
Highscores: 1
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

250k Medal (1)
lol, unexpected!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:42 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
Well- thread doesn't necessarily hve to be religious / God based jokes- but it's a start.

I figured since there's a 'dirty joke' thread... why not a 'clean joke' thread?

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:30 am 
Offline
Keeper of the Calm
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:27 am
Posts: 4995
Medals: 3
Founder (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

750k Medal (1)
HAHAHAH!!!!! Now that one is choice.... :smt005

_________________
Looking for the Calm amid all this Chaos
Image
Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:46 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell,
the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head
with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power,
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:29 am 
Offline
Administrator of Anthill Assassinations
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 9:10 am
Posts: 1160
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

25 Million Medal (1)
LOL

_________________
Image
ImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:09 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Speedologist
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:58 am
Posts: 4885
Location: The Land of Enchantment
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

100 Million Medal (1)
Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies


1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:20 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
oh jeez LOL

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:04 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
Damn I think I might have seen a few of those at work...on actual messages.

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:42 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
would not surprise me

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 7:55 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Model Rocket Scientist
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2006 11:13 pm
Posts: 2236
Images: 2
Location: Earth
Highscores: 20
Medals: 2
3 Year Medal (1)

100 Million Medal (1)
A Little boy went to his father and asked, 'Daddy, how was I born?' The
father answered, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


'You got Male!'


Rick


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 8:27 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
hehehe I like that one

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:15 am 
Offline
Lord of the Avatar
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2007 5:21 am
Posts: 743
Images: 0
Location: Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
Got this in an Email today. While probably sent as a joke - it actually sums up the reality of IT Support etc.

1. If you ask me technical questions please don’t argue with me because you don’t like my answer. If you think you know more about the topic, why ask? And if I’m arguing with you…it’s because I am positive that I am correct, otherwise I’d just say “I don’t know” or give you some tips on where to look it up, I don’t have the time to just argue for the sake of it.

2. Starting a conversation by insulting yourself (i.e. “I’m such an idiot”) will not make me laugh, or feel sorry for you; all it will do is remind me that yes, you are an idiot and that I am going to hate having to talk to you. Trust me; you don’t want to start a call that way.

3. I am ok with you making mistakes, fixing them is my job. I am not ok with you lying to me about a mistake you made. It makes it much harder to resolve and thus makes my job more difficult. Be honest and we can get the problem resolved and continue on with our business.

4. There is no magic “Fix it” button. Everything takes some amount of work to fix, and not everything is worth fixing or even possible to fix. If I say that you just need to re-do a document that you accidentally deleted 2 months ago, please don’t get mad at me. I’m not ignoring your problem, and it’s not that I don’t like you, I just can’t always fix everything.

5. Not everything you ask me to do is “urgent”. In fact, by marking things as “urgent” every time, you almost ensure that I treat none of it as a priority.

6. You are not the only one who needs help, and you usually don’t have the most urgent issue. Give me some time to get to your problem, it will get fixed.

7. Emailing me several times about the same issue in the same day is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Emails will stay until I delete them, I won’t delete them until I’m done with them. I will typically respond as soon as I have a useful update. If it is an urgent issue, let me know (see number 5).

8. Yes, I prefer email over telephone calls. It has nothing to do with being friendly, it’s about efficiency. It is much faster and easier for me to list out a set of questions that I need you to answer than it is for me to call and ask you them one by one. You can find the answers at your leisure and while I’m waiting I can work on other problems.

9. Yes, I seem blunt and rude. It’s not that I mean to, I just don’t have the time to sugar coat things for you. I assume we are both adults and can handle the reality of a problem. If you did something wrong, I will tell you. I don’t care that it was a mistake, because it really makes no difference to me. Don’t take it personal, I just don’t want it to happen again.

10. And finally, yes, I can read your email, I can see what web pages you look at while you are at work, yes, I can access every file on your work computer, and I can tell if you are chatting with people on an instant messenger or chat room (and can also read what you are typing). But no, I don’t do it. It’s unethical, I’m busy, and in all reality you aren’t all that interesting. So unless I am instructed to specifically monitor or investigate your actions, I don’t. There really are much more interesting things on the internet than you.

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:23 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Speedologist
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:58 am
Posts: 4885
Location: The Land of Enchantment
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

100 Million Medal (1)
Garfield minus Garfield

Quote:
Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb.

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:02 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
ROFLMAO...that's great Labbie...he really is a Schizoprenic person with Bipolar disorder...fighting a losing battle with lonlines and a meth addiciton...

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:25 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
John Arbuckle does meth ?

dude- that's just wrong.

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:21 am 
Offline
Administrator of Anthill Assassinations
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 9:10 am
Posts: 1160
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

25 Million Medal (1)
Image
Image

_________________
Image
ImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:50 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
MzSnowleopard wrote:
John Arbuckle does meth ?

dude- that's just wrong.


Hey it does explain alot though doesn't it...

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:36 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
The dude needs to get out more.

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:41 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
He just needs help...it doesn't get more plain then that...

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 12:17 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Speedologist
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:58 am
Posts: 4885
Location: The Land of Enchantment
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

100 Million Medal (1)
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”

“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”

“Three? When were they?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”


“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:05 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
now that's just wrong.


:smt005

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:38 pm 
Offline
Administrator of Anthill Assassinations
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 9:10 am
Posts: 1160
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

25 Million Medal (1)
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

_________________
Image
ImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:40 pm 
Offline
Administrator of Anthill Assassinations
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 9:10 am
Posts: 1160
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

25 Million Medal (1)
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

_________________
Image
ImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:48 pm 
Offline
Administrator of Anthill Assassinations
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 9:10 am
Posts: 1160
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

25 Million Medal (1)
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."

_________________
Image
ImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:58 am 
Offline
Chaotic Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 2559
Location: Australia / Earth Orbit
Medals: 4
CC Team Member (1)

Moderator (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
Gavin think joke okay.

How long before it clicks?

_________________
This signature comment has been censored by the ACMA as being politically inconvenient.

No Australian Government Internet Filter

Image

Image Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:33 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Speedologist
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:58 am
Posts: 4885
Location: The Land of Enchantment
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

100 Million Medal (1)
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-so-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . . . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and angrily says,

” I’M NOT HAPPY! “

So, I look down at him and say,

’Well, then which one are you?’

That’s when the fight started .

_________________
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:04 pm 
Offline
Keeper of the Calm
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:27 am
Posts: 4995
Medals: 3
Founder (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

750k Medal (1)
LMFAO!!!

_________________
Looking for the Calm amid all this Chaos
Image
Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:16 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Militia Commander
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Posts: 2606
Location: California, USA
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
Must have been Grumpy

_________________
ImageImage

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
-Gen. George S. Patton


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:29 am 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
OMG- ROFL....

some times it's the simple ones that are the funniest.

:smt038

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:05 am 
Offline
Chaotic Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:13 am
Posts: 587
Location: North East England UK
Highscores: 1
Medals: 4
CC Team Member (1)

Moderator (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

10 Million Medal (1)
Not sure if this belongs here but its clean and I thought its funny, well here goes

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer :


An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.
This is posted here by a Brit using Bill Gates's technology and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor assembled by Chinese workers transported by Indian lorry-drivers hijacked by Indonesians unloaded by Maltese wharfies and trucked to you by Spanish freeloaders.


That, my friends, is Globalisation!

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:04 pm 
Offline
Chaotic Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 2559
Location: Australia / Earth Orbit
Medals: 4
CC Team Member (1)

Moderator (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

1 Million Medal (1)
And viewed by an Aussie who is with a beautiful Chinese girl (yes that is you I'm talking about Lin).

Good joke.

_________________
This signature comment has been censored by the ACMA as being politically inconvenient.

No Australian Government Internet Filter

Image

Image Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:40 pm 
Offline
Calm Chaos Official Cat Herder
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:48 am
Posts: 3000
Images: 1
Location: Outta My Frakkin Mind
Medals: 3
CC Team Member (1)

3 Year Medal (1)

500k Medal (1)
Nice


- by the German / Native American desendant- wh was adopted by a Dutch man and Scottish / English woman

_________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone soon whittles himself away. - Raymond Hull
Stats / Web Site / Blog
Image


Top
 Profile Personal album  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 638 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 19  Next

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron


Calm Chaos Website © 2006-2014.    Use of this Website constitutes acceptance of the Calm Chaos Rules.
Powered by Chaos


Free Hit Counter