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Calm Chaos • View topic - Clean Humor
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 4:47 pm 
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that was painful

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 10:11 pm 
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Painful is an understatement. LMAO

:smt023

Rick

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:29 am 
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An elderly man, named Glen, who lived in Florida had owned a large farm
for several years.

The farm backed up to a lake.

The lake front was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple, and cherry trees.

One evening old Glen decided to go down to the lake, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look
it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in the lake.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deeper
water.

One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you
leave!"

Glen frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out
of the lake naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator..."

Some old men can still think fast.

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 2:30 am 
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Got this one from my Dad

A Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:30 am 
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Okay, time for a pun... And, yes, it's clean.

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk. The loan officer for the day, the sign says, is Ms. Patricia Whacke. The frog hops up onto the desk as he's been ignored in the chair, and the woman, composing herself, says, "Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Why, yes, ma'am. I'm Kermit Jagger, and I'd like a loan."

"Um, this is unusual, but I suppose. Do you have any collateral?"

The frog produces from seemingly nowhere a cigar box full of little odds and ends, the brickabrack that people tend to collect and throw in cigar boxes. Ms. Whacke looks them over and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but these won't do."

The frog hollers for the manager, who comes over and looks things over, hears both sides of the story, and says, "These are knick-knacks, Patty Whacke. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


On a side note, there are two mergers waiting on SEC clearance: FedEx and UPS want to become FedUP; and Polygram Records, Warner Entertainment, and Nabisco want to form PolyWarner Cracker. ;P

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 7:30 am 
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Driving Miss Daisy

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 3:10 am 
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redwolf wrote:
Okay, time for a pun... And, yes, it's clean.

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk. The loan officer for the day, the sign says, is Ms. Patricia Whacke. The frog hops up onto the desk as he's been ignored in the chair, and the woman, composing herself, says, "Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Why, yes, ma'am. I'm Kermit Jagger, and I'd like a loan."

"Um, this is unusual, but I suppose. Do you have any collateral?"

The frog produces from seemingly nowhere a cigar box full of little odds and ends, the brickabrack that people tend to collect and throw in cigar boxes. Ms. Whacke looks them over and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but these won't do."

The frog hollers for the manager, who comes over and looks things over, hears both sides of the story, and says, "These are knick-knacks, Patty Whacke. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


On a side note, there are two mergers waiting on SEC clearance: FedEx and UPS want to become FedUP; and Polygram Records, Warner Entertainment, and Nabisco want to form PolyWarner Cracker. ;P



Oh wow. That was HORRID!!!

WELL DONE!!!

LMAO

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 Post subject: Re: Clean Humor
PostPosted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 1:29 am 
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up Over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking Driver said, 'Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the
shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . . .. ....

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

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