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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:09 pm 
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Luigi was in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’

Startled, Sophia replies, ‘Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?’

Luigi answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’

Next he asks Rosa to dance and after a few minutes he asks, ‘Rosa, do yo! u wear w hite panties tonight?’

Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?’

He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!’

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight.’

Luigi gasps, ‘Thanka God .. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:43 am 
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Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question.
Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian.
Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"

DJ: "Uh huh…"

Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is her."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo… do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)..
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright.
When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question.
How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well…"
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: "Ummm...................Up the a$$…"

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:12 am 
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:smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:10 am 
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There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, “Sure.”

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, “No really, I’m a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you’d like.”

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?”

The hit man replied, “Sure.”

So the guy looked for a second and said, “YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next-door neighbor! And he’s naked too!”


This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, “I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.”

The guy responded, “One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, “What are you waiting for?”

The hitman replied, “Just hold on … I’m a about to save you a thousand bucks!”

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:25 am 
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:53 am 
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Buga1 wrote:
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Rick


OMFG!!!! LMAO!!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 8:04 am 
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A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 1:46 am 
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Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”.

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: ‘Your sister likes this position too.’

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.”

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 1:23 am 
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A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Texan”.

The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring.

There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: “Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan”.

He can’t believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconut s are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings.

The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the old Texan, “but I have to know something. You’re older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well ya see…,” says the old cowboy, “my eyes ain’t what they used to be.”

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:14 am 
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A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, “The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.

“No, sir: that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:24 pm 
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…

P…

E…

N…

I…

S…

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED……. NOT LONG ENOUGH

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 7:43 pm 
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*Sigh* I get a lot of that. :smt011


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 2:58 am 
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On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.

When her husband wasn’t shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him — and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.

“I thought you realized,” he replied. “It’s Lent.”

“What?!” she shrieked, almost in tears. “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Well, you asked, and that’s the answer,” he said, going back to his book.

“But…” she said, “Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”

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If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:11 am 
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 1:13 pm 
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Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

If You're Not Outraged, You're Not Paying Attention

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:42 pm 
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They started giving reasons?

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:03 am 
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ROFLMAO...that's a good one...great spoof on them

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"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


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Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?



A: A slut will f*** anyone. A bitch will f*** anyone but you.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:47 am 
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

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"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death I have no fear,
because I'm the meanest M***** F***** in the whole valley."
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:42 am 
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I hope this isn't too rough..... Delete at will.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:20 am 
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PMSL!!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 1:46 pm 
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debs3759 wrote:
PMSL!!!!

Don't know why that hit me as funny, but I had it emailed to me last night. :smt005 Thought I'd share. :smt003


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:55 pm 
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PMSL?

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:07 pm 
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Sarge_II wrote:
PMSL?


http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pmsl

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:43 pm 
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Labbie wrote:


Well, with that question answered, WTH does net lingo have to do with urban slang? Let me guess: 10 years ago, they were the first to explain LOL and TMI?

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Sarge_II wrote:
Labbie wrote:


Well, with that question answered, WTH does net lingo have to do with urban slang? Let me guess: 10 years ago, they were the first to explain LOL and TMI?


I don't know. Google is my friend.

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Hmm, it was just everyday street slang when I was growing up. Now I stopped growing it seems it's not so commonly used...

You all got the point anyway, I thought it was hilarious :)

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debs3759 wrote:
Hmm, it was just everyday street slang when I was growing up. Now I stopped growing it seems it's not so commonly used...

You all got the point anyway, I thought it was hilarious :)


It's not the saying, it's not recognizing it was abbreviated into net lingo. Or, as Daniel would call it, l33+. My guess is, like most do not recognize bbiafm (be back in a few minutes) but most know brb (be right back), pmsl is a variant of rofl or rotflmao. We may be seeing n3wl33+sp34k here. Will pmsl win out?

Labbie, someone needs to make a l33+ dictionary. It makes no sense to have it on urbandictionary, lol. :)

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:03 pm 
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Sarge_II wrote:
Labbie, someone needs to make a l33+ dictionary. It makes no sense to have it on urbandictionary, lol. :)


Sounds like a good between semester project for you Sarge. :smt023

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Labbie wrote:
Sarge_II wrote:
Labbie, someone needs to make a l33+ dictionary. It makes no sense to have it on urbandictionary, lol. :)


Sounds like a good between semester project for you Sarge. :smt023


Nah Danielmid.

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Never thought of pmsl as "leet speak". I guess my mis-spent time over the last decade and more online has just taught me more than I knew :)

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An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”

Helen looked him over, and said: “Nope.”

Sam replied excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Helen looked again. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?” Helen looked up and said: “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

To which Helen replied: “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat.”

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